I am a messy person, which makes life exciting. There is always something new to be found in my messy desk and shirts I forgot I owned in my overflowing drawers. Maybe messiness is a lifestyle and not a personality flaw.
Yesterday in my messiness I found a letter from 12-year-old Ann. This was the Ann who believed she could go places in life just by being intelligent, kind, and hardworking. Thanks for nothing empty American Dream. Someone really needs to step up and be the John Steinbeck of the 21st century and write a heartbreaking novel about how difficult it is to thrive in America today, even for the most qualified, desiring, deserving people. Now that I put that out there I would like to see such a novel in two years. That should give whoever writes it just enough time.
Back to the letter. Past Ann ended the letter "Keep it real punk." That's one of the trademarks of 12-year-old Ann. She likes to do things she feels are edgy but actually just make her look like a fool ten years later. I wonder what edgy things of today will be tomorrow's folly.
Past Ann would be very disappointed in me. These are the demands of Past Ann.
1. Go to UofI - accomplished, but somewhat disappointing
2.Become a Psychologist- fail
3.Be a Cattle Rancher in my spare time- I've been a vegetarian for almost a year now. I can hear 12-year-old Ann weeping.
4.Get my drivers license- accomplished
5.Not crash a car- Former self, are you taunting me?
6. Not kill myself in said car accident- Accomplished, great news for past, present and future Ann
Past Ann's favorite book was "She Said Yes." Alright, but lacking the literary merit I look for in books today.
Past Ann listened to country music and watched King of the Hill. Present Ann likes to got to wine shops and challenge herself to "out-snob" other patrons.
I've changed a lot. I would not trust former Ann with any major life decisions. I barely trust current Ann. The person I'm banking on is future Ann- she is so together.
My friend Camber enjoys life more than just about anyone I know. I think there are many reasons for this and one is the concept of "Future Camber." Camber always trusts that "future Camber" has things figured out. Current Cambers delightful blog is located at hongkongcamber.blogspot.com
If there is anything that 12-year-old Ann has taught me, it is to trust future Ann.
Keep it real, punks.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Breaking the Spell
Zero job applications today and I didn't put on jeans. This is not good. Apparently putting on jeans was setting my sights a little high.
I really want this job in Madison. Ever since I began the interview process I find it difficult to write another cover letter and tailor my resume another time. All my dreaming and hoping energy is being channeled into this job. I'm not telling stories about myself through cover letters anymore. I'm telling stories to myself about what life could be like if things work out with this job.
If I accomplished nothing else today I made it through the third frame in The Book of One Thousand and One Nights. The frame ended with a particularly venomous story about a cheating wife. She turned her husband's bottom half to stone and whipped him daily. She also turned everyone in the surrounding village into fish. When a king breaks the witch's spell the lake turns into a bazaar and the fish turn into people. Everything immediately goes back to normal. I enjoy thinking about this scene. In an instant life completely changes for these people. Maybe before they were turned into fish they were growing weary of their everyday lives. But, I imagine being a fish made them appreciate the dry heat, sand in their fingernails, the purples and reds of fabric in the bazaar and the gold of candlesticks. I also like imagining coral turning into booths and shells turning into dinner plates as the spell is broken.
Maybe this is what I need in my life. Not a little change, say getting out of sweatpants. But something really big, like getting a job and starting a new adventure in a new city. I can see the transformation now. My sweatpants and t-shirt turn into business casual. Instead of watching Martha Stewart make fake rocks out of soap, I'm at work trying to finish a project under a deadline. Just like that, my life will change completely as if a spell had been broken.
I imagine this is how many people feel in this country. People who have worked hard and done everything they were supposed to do their entire careers are suddenly unemployed. It must feel as surprising as waking up as a fish one morning. It is discouraging to feel you have no control over your life. I’m sure there are jobless people out there who feel hiring a wizard to break the spell of economic recession might be a viable option. Nothing else is providing that instantaneous transformation we all want to see in the economy. If I figure out how to break the spell of unemployment in my life I’ll let you know. Until then I'll be in my sweats doing the hard work of imagining :)
Today I found a letter written from 12-year-old Ann to future Ann. 12-year-old Ann really gave me some great insights on The Once and Future Ann. I'll fill you in tomorrow.
I really want this job in Madison. Ever since I began the interview process I find it difficult to write another cover letter and tailor my resume another time. All my dreaming and hoping energy is being channeled into this job. I'm not telling stories about myself through cover letters anymore. I'm telling stories to myself about what life could be like if things work out with this job.
If I accomplished nothing else today I made it through the third frame in The Book of One Thousand and One Nights. The frame ended with a particularly venomous story about a cheating wife. She turned her husband's bottom half to stone and whipped him daily. She also turned everyone in the surrounding village into fish. When a king breaks the witch's spell the lake turns into a bazaar and the fish turn into people. Everything immediately goes back to normal. I enjoy thinking about this scene. In an instant life completely changes for these people. Maybe before they were turned into fish they were growing weary of their everyday lives. But, I imagine being a fish made them appreciate the dry heat, sand in their fingernails, the purples and reds of fabric in the bazaar and the gold of candlesticks. I also like imagining coral turning into booths and shells turning into dinner plates as the spell is broken.
Maybe this is what I need in my life. Not a little change, say getting out of sweatpants. But something really big, like getting a job and starting a new adventure in a new city. I can see the transformation now. My sweatpants and t-shirt turn into business casual. Instead of watching Martha Stewart make fake rocks out of soap, I'm at work trying to finish a project under a deadline. Just like that, my life will change completely as if a spell had been broken.
I imagine this is how many people feel in this country. People who have worked hard and done everything they were supposed to do their entire careers are suddenly unemployed. It must feel as surprising as waking up as a fish one morning. It is discouraging to feel you have no control over your life. I’m sure there are jobless people out there who feel hiring a wizard to break the spell of economic recession might be a viable option. Nothing else is providing that instantaneous transformation we all want to see in the economy. If I figure out how to break the spell of unemployment in my life I’ll let you know. Until then I'll be in my sweats doing the hard work of imagining :)
Today I found a letter written from 12-year-old Ann to future Ann. 12-year-old Ann really gave me some great insights on The Once and Future Ann. I'll fill you in tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Getting Back on the Arabian Horse
I only applied for one job today, not my best work. If nothing else, I feel like my applications are getting better and better. I've edited cover letters and resumes for each job and I feel I'm getting better at selling myself. But, if it is going to take one hundred and one applications I'd better start moving a little faster than one application a day.
I feel in some ways I've become like a stock character on a television show. The twenty-something who moved back home and is kind of worthless. I sit around and read and watch TV and eat jelly beans from a four-pound container. Then my mom asks about the orange juice and I say "Oh, I drank it all." This is not me at my most likable. I don't even have a good excuse. The story I am reading in One Thousand and One Nights involves a man who is stone from the waist down and a lake with magical fish. I'm not yet sure how these two things are linked. Scherzade got distracted and I had to read another story about a cheating wife. In the ancient Middle East if a man does it it is called a Harem, if a woman does it is called debauchery. These people really could have used a little feminism in their lives. But, this is my original point: until I find myself half made of stone there is no reason for me to be a worthless slug.
I didn't get this worthless all at once, it happened over time. One day I hung out in sweats all day, the next day I didn't take a shower. This progressed to a point where I had to take a shower before working out because I felt too dirty to work out. That one was a personal low. I was not this way at all in college. I was hard-working girl between school, volunteering, my job and other activities. I think my life needs a little more structure. A good place to start is jeans. Real denim ones, not those new pajama jeans. Tomorrow I am going to get up and put on real clothes. Then I am going to find something productive to do. So shall it be written, so shall it be done.
I feel in some ways I've become like a stock character on a television show. The twenty-something who moved back home and is kind of worthless. I sit around and read and watch TV and eat jelly beans from a four-pound container. Then my mom asks about the orange juice and I say "Oh, I drank it all." This is not me at my most likable. I don't even have a good excuse. The story I am reading in One Thousand and One Nights involves a man who is stone from the waist down and a lake with magical fish. I'm not yet sure how these two things are linked. Scherzade got distracted and I had to read another story about a cheating wife. In the ancient Middle East if a man does it it is called a Harem, if a woman does it is called debauchery. These people really could have used a little feminism in their lives. But, this is my original point: until I find myself half made of stone there is no reason for me to be a worthless slug.
I didn't get this worthless all at once, it happened over time. One day I hung out in sweats all day, the next day I didn't take a shower. This progressed to a point where I had to take a shower before working out because I felt too dirty to work out. That one was a personal low. I was not this way at all in college. I was hard-working girl between school, volunteering, my job and other activities. I think my life needs a little more structure. A good place to start is jeans. Real denim ones, not those new pajama jeans. Tomorrow I am going to get up and put on real clothes. Then I am going to find something productive to do. So shall it be written, so shall it be done.
Monday, February 15, 2010
My Own Heart's Curtain
I missed two days of blogging last week. My Internet was down and I was lazy. But, after a 4-day hiatus I'm back. I'll try and make it worth your while. It is Olympic season, which is great for inspiration, but bad for actually accomplishing things. I also found a photograph that is great for inspiration.
It is a picture of the photographer's son in the Wisconsin Dells. I find it fitting since the job I want is in Wisconsin. Also, what an amazing guy, I want to jump across cliffs and not care what anyone thinks just like him. I love finding a picture like that. It makes me feel so many things in addition to inspiration. Another work of art in which I've found so much feeling is this Edvard Munch painting.
This copy of it really does not do the painting justice. In real life it is stunning and to me there are so many levels of metaphor. Perhaps we are like the hut and the light of a single star can pierce loneliness and darkness, but we must be vulnerable, willing to be pierced. Maybe there is a clarity in isolation that cannot be found elsewhere. But mostly, I like to think that we are all meant to be like that little star and pierce the darkness of this world with whatever joy or beauty we can muster. In the Emergency Room after the car accident I was trying not to completely freak out and found myself thinking, "I'm the little star, I'm the little star."
Also, there is inspiration in the work of another German Expressionist, Rainer Maria Rilke. He thinks the world is complicated, but also beautiful. He is an eternal optimist and reading his work helps me cultivate these things in my own life. Also, I found out Lady GaGa has a huge quotation of his tattooed on her arm. GaGa is the real deal. Here is a little snippet of Rilke.
"Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always."
If you are ever feeling blue I recommend looking up some Rilke quotations, they are readily available on the internet. He also has great poems and collections of letters.
All of this is neither here nor there. But, applying for a job sometimes feels like a Sisyphean endeavor. I've apllied for 26 jobs and haven't nailed anything down yet. So for me, finding inspiration is as important as finding a job. Also, this post kind of became it's own thing, developing in way's I didn't expect. This is my favorite thing about the Book of One Thousand and One Nights. Although a woman who fears death tells the stories, she is a fearless storyteller. The stories go in their own unexpected directions.
So, this is what I'm learning today. Let life happen, let stories happen. When I get that job in Wisconsin my first apartment decoration will be a picture of a man airborne between cliffs.
It is a picture of the photographer's son in the Wisconsin Dells. I find it fitting since the job I want is in Wisconsin. Also, what an amazing guy, I want to jump across cliffs and not care what anyone thinks just like him. I love finding a picture like that. It makes me feel so many things in addition to inspiration. Another work of art in which I've found so much feeling is this Edvard Munch painting.
This copy of it really does not do the painting justice. In real life it is stunning and to me there are so many levels of metaphor. Perhaps we are like the hut and the light of a single star can pierce loneliness and darkness, but we must be vulnerable, willing to be pierced. Maybe there is a clarity in isolation that cannot be found elsewhere. But mostly, I like to think that we are all meant to be like that little star and pierce the darkness of this world with whatever joy or beauty we can muster. In the Emergency Room after the car accident I was trying not to completely freak out and found myself thinking, "I'm the little star, I'm the little star."
Also, there is inspiration in the work of another German Expressionist, Rainer Maria Rilke. He thinks the world is complicated, but also beautiful. He is an eternal optimist and reading his work helps me cultivate these things in my own life. Also, I found out Lady GaGa has a huge quotation of his tattooed on her arm. GaGa is the real deal. Here is a little snippet of Rilke.
"Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always."
If you are ever feeling blue I recommend looking up some Rilke quotations, they are readily available on the internet. He also has great poems and collections of letters.
All of this is neither here nor there. But, applying for a job sometimes feels like a Sisyphean endeavor. I've apllied for 26 jobs and haven't nailed anything down yet. So for me, finding inspiration is as important as finding a job. Also, this post kind of became it's own thing, developing in way's I didn't expect. This is my favorite thing about the Book of One Thousand and One Nights. Although a woman who fears death tells the stories, she is a fearless storyteller. The stories go in their own unexpected directions.
So, this is what I'm learning today. Let life happen, let stories happen. When I get that job in Wisconsin my first apartment decoration will be a picture of a man airborne between cliffs.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Talking Heads
"Turn thee from grief nor care a jot!
Commit thy needs to Fate and lot!
Enjoy the Present passing well
And let the Past be clean forgot."
I feel this type of don't worry be happy sentiment is expressed in many works of art/entertainment and this is how the Book of One Thousand and One Nights puts it. It is nice to think, but I don't know that it is the best way to survive in this economy. Although I am enjoying the present I am not leaving my job search to Fate. I feel like Fate's attitude is a bit too lackadaisical. Fate probably would not edit my resume to cater to every job for which I've applied.
Also, I am going to do as the Book of One Thousand and One Nights does, not as they say. In tonight's story a physician heals a king with leprosy. However, the king is suspicious of the physician and decides to have him beheaded. Why do these people always have to kill one another, especially someone who cured you of a deadly disease. So, the physician accepts his fate, but before he is to be beheaded he gives the king a book. He tells the king to read the book after the beheading and the head will tell the king many secrets. Sounds like a cool book and an even cooler disembodied head. The king follows the physician's plan, but after turning a few pages of the book he drops dead. The trick: a poison paged book. Giving someone a poisonous book does not seem to me like trusting Fate and allowing the chips to fall. I do however like the poisonous book idea. I would like to think my resume will have the same effect. Well it won't kill someone, but it will do something life changing like get me a job.
I still really want the job I interviewed for yesterday, but realize it would be naive to just sit around and wait. I am continuing to turn in job applications and let me just say my resume hurts so good.
Commit thy needs to Fate and lot!
Enjoy the Present passing well
And let the Past be clean forgot."
I feel this type of don't worry be happy sentiment is expressed in many works of art/entertainment and this is how the Book of One Thousand and One Nights puts it. It is nice to think, but I don't know that it is the best way to survive in this economy. Although I am enjoying the present I am not leaving my job search to Fate. I feel like Fate's attitude is a bit too lackadaisical. Fate probably would not edit my resume to cater to every job for which I've applied.
Also, I am going to do as the Book of One Thousand and One Nights does, not as they say. In tonight's story a physician heals a king with leprosy. However, the king is suspicious of the physician and decides to have him beheaded. Why do these people always have to kill one another, especially someone who cured you of a deadly disease. So, the physician accepts his fate, but before he is to be beheaded he gives the king a book. He tells the king to read the book after the beheading and the head will tell the king many secrets. Sounds like a cool book and an even cooler disembodied head. The king follows the physician's plan, but after turning a few pages of the book he drops dead. The trick: a poison paged book. Giving someone a poisonous book does not seem to me like trusting Fate and allowing the chips to fall. I do however like the poisonous book idea. I would like to think my resume will have the same effect. Well it won't kill someone, but it will do something life changing like get me a job.
I still really want the job I interviewed for yesterday, but realize it would be naive to just sit around and wait. I am continuing to turn in job applications and let me just say my resume hurts so good.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Taking Chances
I feel great about how the phone interview went today. I am even more excited about the company and the work I would be doing. It's still early in the application process. If I advance to the next stage I will have to take a proctored exam and if I move on from there I will go to an on-site interview. I want this job so very badly.
The only drawback: the interviewer said the application process can be lengthy. I said it sounds like it is worth the wait, which I really believe. At the same time, I've applied for a job waiting tables. It would be a fine job if I end up living at home for an extended period of time. However, the manager made it very clear that he did not want to waste time training someone who was just looking for some work until they found something else. If I didn't have a conscious I would probably wait tables even though I'm hoping to be outta here in a few months. I feel like if I did wait tables my behavior would indicate I don't really believe I'm going to get the technical writing job. However, if I don't get the technical writing job then I've really got nothing going for me income wise. (except me benevolent parents)
As I write this I think I've decided on a course of action. I will take the honest way. I will not accept a job waiting tables, because what I honestly want is for things to work out with this technical writing job. How changed honesty seems. It used to just be a virtue but now it is exciting and risky.
Honesty could have saved a parrot's life in the Book of One Thousand and One Nights. A merchant suspected his wife was cheating on him so he buys a parrot to spy on her. The wife fools the parrot into thinking there is a storm outside so she can carry on as usual with her liaison. When the merchant asks the parrot what he witnessed the parrot says he could not see anything because of all the lighting. The merchant says there have not been storms and in a fit of buyer's remorse fatally throws the parrot to the ground-what a horrible mental picture. A slave girl eventually tells the merchant that his wife tricked the parrot. The merchant than kills the wife and the other man. Three lives destroyed by dishonesty.
Maybe I won't get this technical writing job and I'll end up with nothing, but it seems like being dishonest with employers and myself is the bigger gamble. I'll let you know how my risky honest adventure turns out.
The only drawback: the interviewer said the application process can be lengthy. I said it sounds like it is worth the wait, which I really believe. At the same time, I've applied for a job waiting tables. It would be a fine job if I end up living at home for an extended period of time. However, the manager made it very clear that he did not want to waste time training someone who was just looking for some work until they found something else. If I didn't have a conscious I would probably wait tables even though I'm hoping to be outta here in a few months. I feel like if I did wait tables my behavior would indicate I don't really believe I'm going to get the technical writing job. However, if I don't get the technical writing job then I've really got nothing going for me income wise. (except me benevolent parents)
As I write this I think I've decided on a course of action. I will take the honest way. I will not accept a job waiting tables, because what I honestly want is for things to work out with this technical writing job. How changed honesty seems. It used to just be a virtue but now it is exciting and risky.
Honesty could have saved a parrot's life in the Book of One Thousand and One Nights. A merchant suspected his wife was cheating on him so he buys a parrot to spy on her. The wife fools the parrot into thinking there is a storm outside so she can carry on as usual with her liaison. When the merchant asks the parrot what he witnessed the parrot says he could not see anything because of all the lighting. The merchant says there have not been storms and in a fit of buyer's remorse fatally throws the parrot to the ground-what a horrible mental picture. A slave girl eventually tells the merchant that his wife tricked the parrot. The merchant than kills the wife and the other man. Three lives destroyed by dishonesty.
Maybe I won't get this technical writing job and I'll end up with nothing, but it seems like being dishonest with employers and myself is the bigger gamble. I'll let you know how my risky honest adventure turns out.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Of Phone Interviews and Falcons
First off, something exciting. I have a phone interview for a real job! I wish this employer could have seen me when I found out about the interview. Who wouldn't want to hire the girl lying on the floor kicking her feet in the air and screaming, laughing, crying all at once "I have an interview!" The job would involve technical writing and the company and location excite me. I'm trying to be cautiously excited as to not be let down if things don't work out. Even though I realize jumping and screaming do not resemble something called "caution." I am excited about this in one thousand and one ways, but I won't list them all, so there's your caution!
If things don't work out with this job, The Book of One Thousand and One Nights has helped me refine my job searching methods. In the story I read today a man has this pet falcon whom he loves and carries around on his hand all the time. The man and falcon go hunting and the man finds a tree from which "water drips like butter." The man stops to feed his horses. But, the falcon keeps getting in the way of the horses and in frustration the man kills the falcon. Only then does the man look up an see a brood of vipers dripping poison from the top of the tree.
Life lesson: Get a falcon. Trust Your falcon.
I am done with college and there is no one to tell me what to do anymore. I have to make my own decisions. I hate it. But if I had a falcon, he would guide me. He could help me know which jobs to apply for and which companies to avoid. Do you think my falcon would have let me get in my car that terrible icy morning? I am certain the falcon would not because he would care for me.
Maybe I can arrange to own a falcon by my phone interview tomorrow. The interviewer will ask "Where do you see yourself in five years and what in the world is that odd squawking sound?"
I'll say "Oh, that's just my life advisor."
1:30 Tuesday could be the beginning of something great. I'm hoping for the best!
If things don't work out with this job, The Book of One Thousand and One Nights has helped me refine my job searching methods. In the story I read today a man has this pet falcon whom he loves and carries around on his hand all the time. The man and falcon go hunting and the man finds a tree from which "water drips like butter." The man stops to feed his horses. But, the falcon keeps getting in the way of the horses and in frustration the man kills the falcon. Only then does the man look up an see a brood of vipers dripping poison from the top of the tree.
Life lesson: Get a falcon. Trust Your falcon.
I am done with college and there is no one to tell me what to do anymore. I have to make my own decisions. I hate it. But if I had a falcon, he would guide me. He could help me know which jobs to apply for and which companies to avoid. Do you think my falcon would have let me get in my car that terrible icy morning? I am certain the falcon would not because he would care for me.
Maybe I can arrange to own a falcon by my phone interview tomorrow. The interviewer will ask "Where do you see yourself in five years and what in the world is that odd squawking sound?"
I'll say "Oh, that's just my life advisor."
1:30 Tuesday could be the beginning of something great. I'm hoping for the best!
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